“It’s Complicated” Brief Summary of Show
In this episode, learn to take inspired action on your “It’s Complicated” relationships and turn them into friendships, business partnerships, and beyond. Learn three awesome things to remember. Hosts, Kyle and Christopher discuss their relationship, how they met, were engaged, broke up, then ended up as life-long business partners in Change My Life Coaching and Change My Business Coaching!
Watch The Episode
Listen to the Episode
Calls to Action
Tell us your “inspired stories” by visiting www.InspiredActionPodcast.ca
Christopher Lawrence LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/career-life-coach-christopher-lawrence/
Kyle Kalloo LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kyle-kalloo/
Change My Life Coaching & Strategic Leader LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/6446498/admin/
Change My Life Coaching: https://www.changemylifecoaching.ca
Strategic Leader: https://strategicleader.ca
Friends With An Ex? Check Your Motives first, Science Says by Sara G. Miller: https://www.livescience.com/60057-staying-friends-with-ex-may-work.html
“It’s Complicated” Transcript
And so guess what I did, like most people in awkward situations like that? I lied. I told him that I just wanted dinner. Right?
[Narrator] Is the thought of being imperfect keeping you from taking action? Welcome to “Inspired Action for Imperfect Humans”. Each week we give you real-life stories and thought-provoking research, that inspires your soul to live a more fulfilled life, through your own actions. From the heart of Calgary Canada, here are your hosts, award-winning coaches, Christopher Lawrence and Kyle Kalloo.
Hello, hello, folks. Welcome to season two of “Inspired Action for Imperfect Humans”. I am your co-host, Christopher Lawrence.
And I am Kyle Kalloo.
But you already knew that from the prerecorded introduction, so…
Yes, this is the amateur show.
I don’t know who you’re talking about but…
Kyle wants that edited out already.
Yeah, I’m a professional.
Kyle is like, I will show up as the expert, even if I’m not the expert.
Good. Good. So today, Kyle, we’re gonna share a little bit of our story. And I know you weren’t prepared for that but that’s what we’re gonna do. We’re going to hang our dirty laundry out to dry, because people need to take inspired action on their relationships, especially the ones that are complicated. So that’s our episode show today is “It’s Complicated”.
I know we’re just into this but, okay, okay, couple of things. Let me just back up. We are so excited for this. We’re so excited. It’s years in the making. Please know when I say it’s year in the making. We have been thinking about this moment for a long time. And to kick it off for season two is even better. But let me just step back from something here. Why does it always have to be dirty laundry? Like, who comes up with this stuff? Why can’t we just talk about clean laundry? Why is it dirty laundry? And why do people, who wants to hear that story anyway? Like, I’m always dumbfounded with this thing of dirty laundry, people want to get to know, like, why do we love misery so much?
Because, girl, clean laundry is not interesting. And by the way, that is rich coming from you because I know how much time you spend on CNN, Fox News and watching “The Crown”.
What are we talking about today? What’s so complicated?
Well, we are actually going to share the story of how we met. And how you accosted me in the workplace.
Okay. Wow, you’re really jumping right in. Okay.
Let me set it up first. Let me set it up for people. So we both worked at a company. Do we mention where we worked? Does it matter? I mean, do people really care? So we were at West-
I think we should-
We worked at WestJet.
We worked at WestJet. Long story short, I had to leave my amazing City of Toronto, right? That’s how you say Toronto. Not Toronto, Toronto. So I had to leave Toronto, come here to Calgary. That’s how you say… Now, I’m not, listen, I don’t wanna piss people off already, but I’m just saying. I had to come to Calgary, worked at the office. I was in the office now at WestJet. And so here I am, we had all cubicles or little pods and stuff like that. And every day, folks, this guy would just be looking at me, just gawking at me, just-
Okay, hang on a second. This is BS. This is how he tells the story every time. And every time it pisses me off, because I sound like, he makes it sound like I was desperate. I had no interest in Kyle, just to be clear.
Desperate? Look at me. There’s nothing desperate. Like, this is not… This is recorded, right? Like, people can see this too?
Yeah, they’re gonna be able-
Can see this?
to see it on YouTube, our YouTube channel.
Uh-oh. Oh, okay.
And we’ll make sure that we put that in the show notes as well. So okay. So here’s, here’s how it really happened. I was working at WestJet, girl, they worked me to the bone. Like, I didn’t even have time for a haircut.
And you weighed 50 pounds at the time too.
Or, I did. I was so skinny. Do you remember? Oh.
You say mmm, like you’re eating pie.
If no one follows us after this, I don’t blame them. I don’t blame…
I kinda hope they don’t now, actually. Skip this episode. Hit skip now.
Mmm. That’s awkward. I’m married now. Oh, if you look at the YouTube, I didn’t know how red my face could get. If you look at the YouTube, I’m like watching myself right now. I can see how red my face is.
So, I mean, I wasn’t particularly, I wasn’t really a looker. And then I, because I had worked so much, I took three weeks off and I went to Europe. And it was, you know, it was a life-changing experience. I think travel changes people.
That’s a good point.
And so I came back and I’m like, you know, I started traveling more. I went to Vegas and I went to those, you know, the, what do they call it? The outlet malls or whatever.
The outlet malls.
Bought a whole new wardrobe. I couldn’t believe it. I filled the trunk of the car for like $800 or something.
I think you, was it 800? I thought it was just over-
a thousand dollars ’cause you could get a lot-
No, it was $800.
I think it was 800 Canadian is what it worked out to be. But then I come back, and I’m dressing nicer, I got a haircut. And all the sudden, it’s like every time I turn around I see Kyle’s little black bobbin’ head sticking out from the pods. Looking at my ass, walking into the fucking kitchen.
Here’s the thing. I remember, there’s a couple things I remember. You did come back, ’cause you were away for a little bit. Then you came back and then I think, okay, ’cause here’s the thing. I love clothes. I’m not a fashion expert or anything. I love clothes. I love feeling good about when I wear my clothes. I love different options in clothes. And anyone who’s ever watched, or stuff or TikTok or whatever, that’s a whole nother story. But I really love to be nice clothes. I mean, I love clothes and I play with clothes. And I think as a black male, I think clothes are very forgiving and colors. So I think I could just wear about anything, because I even had clients-
Yeah, you have good skin tone.
and people said, like, wow, that would look good on you, there’s no way I could pull that off.
But anyway, so-
I cannot wear yellow pants, but you can wear yellow pants.
I don’t, yeah.
Only black people can wear color –
Or people of color.
Color. I think we can get away with a lot, right? Especially a tan complexion, all that stuff. So anyway, so I remember you coming back and you did start to dress differently. And you passed by and I was with two other ladies at the time in my little area. And I was like-
“Ladies” is a kind word for those two cows.
Don’t. Oh, God, don’t. I am still friends with those people-
Okay? Please. Please.
No, actually they were great people. But the reason why I say that is because that pod-
Oh, Jesus. It’s complicated. Guys, remember, it’s complicated.
was the gossip pod. Like, you all were a bunch of cows about the office.
Yeah, I didn’t get caught into a lot of that gossip. Okay. Okay. Okay, hold on. Make no-
Girl, that was not an audio error. That was me.
Okay, hold on.
Make no mistake, I do like a little bit of a tea now and then, okay? So I like to spill a tea now and then to hear a little stuff. But I’m actually, I don’t, when I have work to do, things to do-
All shade though. All shade, girl.
Yeah, I didn’t wanna jump into it. But here is my thing. So you walked by, so back to the story, folks. You walked by and all I could see was I got a glimpse of someone in a shirt and a pants. And those pants were skin tight, ready to fight, because you started to eat differently, and you were gaining some weight and stuff.
Well, I was doing squats.
Yeah, is that what that is? Okay.
And it showed on my butt.
Okay. So anyway, you walked by. And I was just like, oh, who was that? ‘Cause sometimes these people go in and out of these pods. And I actually remember pulling my head out, just to try to get a glimpse before you had turned the corner, right, out of the pod. And then the other two I was with are like, “Oh, that’s Christopher.”
Oh, see? Cows. They were total cows. Now, listen, I love cows and I don’t eat beef. So if they’re listening to this, you should know that I love you and I don’t eat beef. But okay, so the story progresses. You took an interest in me really is what happened. And but I was interested in your intelligence and this is how you get them, right? You get them through their psychology. That’s how you get all of your mans.
Is that another way of saying I manipulate people? Is that another way of saying…
You said it, girl. So I’ll never forget the conversation. We’d been hanging, like, we’d been hanging out, we’d been chatting. You’d referred me to somebody. Kyle’s all about leverage, which is why he’s such an effective leadership coach, because he knows how to leverage. And so Kyle, he’d been helping me out, some stuff at work, whatever. We’d been having good chats. And then he pulls me aside and he’s like, I’d like to take you out for dinner. Girl, do you remember what I said?
I said, hey, I’d love to take you out for dinner sometime. And the first response, his first response, you know, some people are like, oh, like, they’d be shocked. They’d be like, oh, or, oh, wow, okay. Or maybe they expected, they said, oh, really? When and where? Or they’d say, hey, I’m not really interested. Or, oh, I’m, you know, whatever. No, this B did not say that. This one said, what are your intentions?
The only thing I missed was “for my daughter”.
Yeah, what are your intentions? Which was interesting. That was a little bit of a trigger, because way back when, when I wanted to take Michelle out, from elementary school side, her dad actually had that conversation with me too, right, about what’s your intentions with my daughter? Which I thought, that’s another episode. We have to write that down somewhere, because one of the things I learned, it’s not that he wanted me to marry his daughter but he wanted me to have an intention about being with his daughter, which I thought was really interesting. But anyway, guys, you’re gonna have to come back to hear that episode. But he just said right away to me, what are your intentions? Now, it literally caught me off guard. And I like to think I’m quick on my feet. I like to think that I could, no matter what a situation I could, but I’ll be honest with you, I was actually speechless. And those who know me is shocked by that. Now, being speechless doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to say. I just mean that I didn’t know what I was gonna say to that. And so guess what I did, like most people in awkward situations like that, I lied. I told him that I just wanted dinner.
Right. So but of course we didn’t go out for dinner. So I accepted, we went out. Oh no, what I said first was-
What I said first was, okay, because if you’re thinking of dating me, I’m not dating anyone until March.
Girl, let’s just be clear on record, it was April.
So I wasn’t going to date for a year-
Folks, did you hear that? Did you hear that? In April, he told me he has no intentions of dating until March. And, again, another reason why I was speechless. And so what did I do when someone says that? Because you’re trying to play cool, right? You’re trying to get your game on. And you’re trying to say, oh, that’s okay, right? But I knew, well, no, no, it wasn’t okay. But I didn’t say any of those things, right? I didn’t, I just said I’m just gonna go with it, that’s fine. And then after that I started to strategize. I said, you know what? I’m gonna get him to break that commitment. I’m gonna, now all I heard was, ding, ding, ding, ding, I’m gonna get him to break.
It’s because you like a challenge, Kyle. Here’s the thing, Kyle’s on TikTok, okay? His-
We’re gonna bring up TikTok already?
Yes, we are.
He’s @chancellorkalloo. And he has some thirsty bitches that follow him. You’ve got over 300,000 followers on TikTok.
Yeah, about 327. Not that I was counting.
And everybody knows it’s because your butt looks good in whatever you wear. Girl, he’s got one of those beautiful bums. Such a waste. Anyway, we’ll get into that another day. But there are some thirsty people on there. But here’s the thing. If you wanna date Kyle, you have to be an ongoing challenge.
Ah, you know, I hear that-
No, it’s true, it’s true. And it’s how you live your whole life. Because anytime, when you get into the workplace, and this is why you’re so much better as a coach than as an employee for a company. Because when you get into a workplace, you come in, you turn it around, you rescue it and then they don’t want to change anymore. Right? They want to wrap their arms around the success and they wanna stop. And then you’re bored and you need to move on, which was a little bit of kind of what our relationship turned into. Although, to be fair, I was an ongoing challenge. Let’s be fair. I’m gonna-
Do they hear you in the back row? Let the church say amen.
Yeah, yeah. So I’m gonna fast forward this story a little bit. So we have dinner at Kyle’s, because he’s a phenomenal cook. We have dinner at Kyle’s, we’re baking some cookies, you know? And, I mean, first date and of course he’s, I don’t know, he gave me lemon gin. So if you know about lemon gin, that’s the…
Folks, that is not true. We attempted to make cookies. Okay, what kind of podcast, what are we actually, ’cause they don’t need to know all that-
Well, no, but this is the point is that it’s complicated, right? So we did start, you know, not right away. I didn’t, I kept, we didn’t date for a year but we hung out-
and basically we were dating. So but during that time we formed a really wonderful friendship. And then I’m speeding up a little bit to kind of get to today, because we started dating, then we kind of weren’t dating, then we started dating again. And we got engaged. We moved in together-
Oh, wow, you really fast forward that story.
Yes. Yes, girl. Well, I’m trying to skip the dark parts that make me look bad. So we started dating, we got engaged, we moved in together. It wasn’t working, mostly because you snored way too loud and I could see that this wasn’t gonna work. So-
So we broke up, we moved apart, but we had a puppy and neither one of us were willing to give up the puppy. So it kind of forced, like, we had joint custody of our dog.
And so it kind of forced a relationship. And so, and to be fair, it wasn’t a super smooth transition but it wasn’t nasty either. So what I mean by that is that it was tough.
Yeah. And if I could just back up just a little bit with this, Christopher, is when we decided to break up, it was actually a conversation, if you remember, right?
And our biggest issue when we decided to, when we said, you know what? I don’t think this is gonna work. I know we wanted it to work. I know we really had every intention. We were actually, if you remember this, we were more concerned with how we were gonna tell the families.
Yeah, that’s right.
We were more concerned about how they were gonna react because our moms and –
Oh, even my brother, Shayne.
Was great, yeah.
Yeah, Shayne was like, are you sure?
We were concerned about telling people.
Yeah. So we share the same family doctor too. And I dunno if I should say his name, I’ll leave it out for now. But our family doctor said, like, when I told him that we were breaking up, he was like, hmm, are you sure?
‘Cause he told me you were, like, you’ve been so consistent in your life, and things and all these things that happened for us to be together because of that friendship. So anyway, the only point I wanted to make with that is it was a conversation. There was no blow up. There was no, oh, dah, dah, dah and then dah, dah. It was a conversation for us to say, you know what? This is not about hurting you, this is not about hurting me. It’s not about hurting anybody. This was about how do we make sure we’re honest with each other, right? And sometimes honesty does hurt, so to speak. But I’d rather that way then it to go through the other way of throwing things, and hating things and start deteriorating, right?
Yep. So we broke up, we kept our relationship going because of the dog. And just from the perspective of we were chatting. And we were so accustomed, Kyle, to having chats every single day that even though we lived apart, we were still talking sometimes. And it wasn’t always easy. And then I was having some issues with a condo, and I was president of the condo board and I didn’t want to live there anymore, ’cause it felt like I was working from home. Of course, right now everybody’s working from home. So, you know, get used to it and suck it up. But then you got a contract with WestJet. I had left WestJet at this time. You had gotten a contract with WestJet to go work down in Jamaica for a year.
And your renter for your place had fallen through.
Fallen out, yeah.
And so I said, let me help you out. I’m gonna move into your place, I’m gonna rent my place out ’cause I can manage it. So I lived in your place and you wanted to see the dog. So we were like face timing, actually Skyping.
Skype, yeah, that’s right.
We were Skyping every day.
There was FaceTime yet.
No, no. We were Skyping every day while you were in Jamaica, so you could see the dog. But I wasn’t just gonna like hold the dog up to the camera, right? So we had some really good conversations. And when it came time for you to move back, we thought this is convenient, let’s save some money. And so we became roommates for, I don’t know, five or six years.
Yeah. Can you imagine that, folks? And, again, I know what you’re thinking and Christopher’s going to address that thought in a second, I’m sure. ‘Cause every time this happens when we tell this story, it does come up. So he’s gonna address that in a second. But of course, just to make sure we’re all on the same page, to be clear, my contract ended, I’m now coming back to Canada and then now we have to make the decision, well, what do you do? Does he move back? Or does he stay? Now, at this time I had a, it’s a two bedroom. So he was using the second bedroom anyway. And so now I’m gonna come back, move back to live with my ex fiance and also the daddy of my puppy.
Okay. That’s where we’re at, okay.
Yeah, that’s where we’re at. So but I don’t know, like, it was so funny, ’cause even when you were talking to your mom, I remember there was a comment saying that she had kind of commented that there was an opportunity to get some financial gain or something here by remaining roommates. So we lived in separate bedrooms and all of our friends, “friends” I’m gonna use in quotation. All our friends thought we were doing the hanky panky, but we never did. There were moments-
of true friendship affection. There were hard days. There were some dark places in there for me where I would walk into your room, you’d have the TV on, I’d crawl into your bed and you would just, you know, you’d hold me sometimes if I cried. It wasn’t very often but it was a friendship. And it was interesting ’cause as I dated, Kyle doesn’t date people, okay, whereas I dated people during that time. As things got a little more serious with them, the question would always come up, I don’t understand Kyle’s role in your life. And I get it from their perspective. It was complicated ’cause-
Yeah, they had more of an issue, right?
That was a huge complication because they, again, we know historically what happens. You have an ex, you’re supposed to hate them, you don’t want anything to do with them and your new person also hates them too. Like, it’s just that seems to be the recipe, right?
And I’m not saying that’s for everyone, but that’s a common thing for a lot of people. And so it was natural when you would mention me, or start introducing your roommate and then they heard the rest of the story, or they would see your interaction and thought, mm, that’s a little bit more than a roommate. And why is you and your dog are so close to you? There was things that outside looking in, people just couldn’t put their finger on, right?
Yeah. And this is the great thing about all of this is that it’s nobody’s business, right? It was our business. And we knew what the truth was, despite what people said or may have thought. But it was, and, I mean, we’re still part of each other’s families to this day. There’s an ongoing relationship, not just amongst us but amongst our families. And so it’s interesting. I knew, so my response to that was always, if you think of Kyle like an older sibling, much older sibling.
Or if you see him as my best friend, then it’ll make a lot more sense to you. But if you can’t get there, it’s gonna be an ongoing problem. And so there were two relationships that I ended because they couldn’t get there. And my husband, my husband today, I said that to him. He says, I’m struggling to understand my role. ‘Cause you had brought me some clothing, right? And this is Kyle’s thing. If you’re real close with Kyle, he’s gonna find out your clothing size and he’s gonna buy you clothing that he would like to see in. And, actually, he’s never wrong. Okay? So-
Or I’ll tell you what your clothing size are supposed to be.
That’s right. Yeah, totally. So you had brought me some clothing and I shared this with Vince, who I was dating at the time. And Vince said, I’m struggling to understand my role versus Kyle’s.
Do you remember-
And I gave that-
the clothing at the time? Do you remember what clothing it was?
It was a shirt.
Okay. And? Underwear. It was the most taboo thing you could do-
Oh, that’s right.
because who buys underwear for-
Okay, so I knew what it was but I didn’t wanna say it ’cause I thought it was too taboo but it’s out there now, girl. So and I did, and, actually, I did have to tell Kyle too. Do you remember? I said, okay, just don’t buy me underwear. Girl, I’ll take clothing from you any day. You’ve got good style. So I said this to my husband. I said, if you look at him as if he’s an older sibling or a step, not a step, sorry, or a best friend, it’ll make a lot more sense to you. And my husband goes, hmm, okay. And that was it.
And that was one of the signs that I’m like, yep, he’s probably the one.
So fast forward a few years later, I start a life coaching business. And Kyle is a tremendous support through that. Kyle decides it’s time to leave his previous organization. He gave them an ultimatum. He says, it’s gonna be this or this. And one of the this’s was you’re either gonna have to let me go or something else is gonna happen. And they chose to let him go. And I said, hey, do you wanna join my business? And so brought Kyle on as a business partner. So here we are, I don’t know, 15, 16, too many years later. And we’re running the first Consumer’s Choice Award winning coaching company in Canada with success. So it was complicated. So it was complicated. So I think the point is that, like, I was curious, Kyle, when we talk about taking inspired action, what is it that people need to do in terms of taking inspired action in their relationships? And I thought I would share a little bit of research, ’cause you know how much we love research. So there’s an article on Live Science that says, it’s called, “Friends with an Ex? Check Your Motives First, Science Says.” And it’s by Sara G. Miller. It was published on August 7th, 2017. So it’s just a few years old. So just to kind of set the preface, Rebecca Griffith is a master’s student in psychology at the University of Kansas. And previous research, so this is what the article says. Previous research suggests that about 60% of people maintain a friendship after a breakup.
60, really. That’s higher than I thought.
I know. I didn’t know that.
Wow, I didn’t know that, yeah.
But here’s the thing, they say maintain a friendship. And I think when I read the article, I would say they maintain a connection.
Connection, yeah, I could see a connection-
Yeah, but I’m not sure.
not a friendship. Interesting.
Right. So this included more than 170 women and more than 110 men. So I would call that not a super comprehensive study, right? But it’s not a bad number. We’re not talking about 10 people, right?
And so they say there’s four main reasons why someone stays friends. And again, when you hear these reasons, I would replace it with the word “connected”. There’s four main reasons why people stay connected with an ex after a breakup. Okay. So the first reason is security. So this means that the person stays friends with an ex because he or she doesn’t want to lose the ex’s emotional support, advice or trust. Okay?
The second reason is that it’s practical to maintain a friendship. So perhaps there are financial reasons to stay friends or children may be involved. In our case, it was a puppy.
Puppy, yeah, okay.
The third is that their civility. So a person may want to be polite and not hurt the other person’s feelings. And finally, some people may still have romantic feelings for an ex. And when they say “romantic”, I think a lot of people are connected because the sex is good.
Right? So researchers found that the reason people chose to remain friends is associated with how long the friendship will last.
And so again, I would replace the words “connect” with the word “friends”, right, in that sentence. People who stayed friends for practical and civility reasons fared the best, which was actually our reason.
Of course, yeah.
It was for our dog. And then it was for financial reasons.
Made sense and…
These friendships lasted long and were considered to be positive. Where when people remained friends for reasons related to security the resulting friendships tended to be positive, the study found however they weren’t associated with whether the friendship lasted for a longer period of time. And of course, for unresolved, for romantic desires, there were far more negative feelings associated with it.
So the article’s title, “Friends with an Ex? Check Your Motives,” I think is the key thing. So I thought that that was really compelling. And I thought maybe what we would do is we would talk about kind of the three things that we had to remember to maintain a friendship, through our parting. Because we didn’t have, you know, we had a dog, we didn’t have the common thing like children or… And we really didn’t have any assets together either, right? So, Kyle, what do you think?
That’s a great-
Like, when we look at this, what do we think?
Yeah, that’s a great question. And I didn’t know that study. And I think when you mention it briefly, I didn’t know the details of it, so… And I agree with you, that’s more connection than I think. And, again, guys, we could be wrong. I’d be curious to hear your input on that. And so we’re gonna give you a way at the end of this to reach out to us, because I’m actually quite shocked about that. I was just, I kept thinking about it. I think for us what has been consistent and some thoughts I had was sometimes we have to be, we have to remember how we became friends in the first place, right? And you’ve heard me say this, ’cause sometimes we both have, you know, sometimes coaching with relationships as well. But I’ve often said it’s just, it’s shocking to me how thin that line is between love and hate. And so when people would talk about their previous relationship, the vile and the hate that they would have in their voice, and I’m thinking, how did that happen? I mean, I get one or two things can happen, but sometimes you have to remember that I became friends because I love chatting with you. Our communication was stellar. We laughed, we engaged. Those things did not change because we’re no longer together. You were still a communicator. You were still funny. You were still engaging. And laughing and talking to you was easy. So sometimes you have to remember, so I could see that. But now based on that article, if you say “check your motives”, what if my motive was you were just a one-night stand? Then I didn’t really have anything to build off, right? So, therefore, I’m not surprised if those one-night stands never turn into anything, right?
You’re saying the one-night stands that end up getting married but they didn’t form a friendship along the way.
When if they break up, if they break up.
If they break up, right? ‘Cause then what is there to go back to, right?
Yeah, if they weren’t able to form a friendship, yeah. This is why if you’re doing it for just the sex or unresolved romantic feelings, it’s not gonna work.
It’s not gonna work. How can it? How can it?
And here’s the only way it could happen, which is my second point is you have to recognize, and I think we did that is we’re starting a new relationship, right? And there isn’t anything wrong with doing that. Our friendship was a type of relationship. Then when it became intimate, it was another type of relationship. And then when we broke up, it was another type of relationship. And we have to be okay with saying, I need to start again this other relationship. And I think based on that article, and I’m curious what you think about this, it’s when we’re trying to capture and hold on to those intimacy or that type of relationship where I was always number one, I was always first, I always had to be involved, I was… Like, we’re tryna hold onto those things. And it can’t happen because someone else get into the picture, which everyone was waiting. How many of our friends are like, oh, my God, Christopher is dating someone now? Ooh, what’s gonna happen to Kyle? Oh, this is where it’s gonna get crazy. But no, we’re starting a new relationship. I now know you have started a relationship with someone.
So I think that’s two things, right? First is you have to remember why you became friends in the first place, which is-
you know, I think we share a common value that for a relationship to be successful you have to have a friendship, right?
So that would be the first thing. The second thing is that second thing that you said that I just forgot which is, oh, you have to redefine the, it’s a new relationship.
So I remember that part of the process being probably the most uncomfortable part of the process, because that was where actually sometimes you have to swallow your pride. There were moments where both of us were a hero in the situation where it’s like, I’ve got to let this go, I have to let this go. Right?
Even though maybe what I believe that Kyle is doing is wrong, or it’s incorrect or it’s not supportive, I have to let it go. And I know that there were times, plenty of times where you had to do that the other way too.
Yeah, just be patient-
But that would be the second thing.
Yeah, and even within that, be patient, ’cause we could be at different levels. And so just because you may be already there and maybe I’m not there yet, doesn’t mean that we have to be at the same level. You may have said, okay, I have to redefine this friendship, this is gonna be a new friendship now. And I may have lingering things, right? And I think that’s because we were patient with each other at our different levels to know that, hey, you know what, I need to still go through that, he needs to still go through that and go from there. It’s not instant. Make no mistake. It’s not instant. It requires some actions, right?
I agree. I think the third reason, Kyle, would probably be if you were to, because of we share many of the same values, we share many of the same core values. I think if we were to check in with that, if it had been toxic, and this I think is the third thing, if it had been toxic, not just an incident, people have bad days. There were a few brief toxic moments, but if it had been ongoing toxic, I think both you and I would have cut it like that.
It would have been the snap of a finger. It’s done, it’s over, deleting, blocking and no desire to go back at all. And so I think that would be the third thing.
I agree, because if it’s causing you pain and discomfort, and that mean, Christopher, I know I think we have this on our schedule at some point to be talking about values, ’cause I really think we need to dive into that a little bit.
‘Cause I think a lot of people think it means different things. But, again, if something that you were doing or anyone was doing that’s causing me pain, mental anguish, physical pain, that type of, when you say “toxic”, that’s what we’re talking about, right? Things that cause us pain. If it is, then you can’t have it. You cannot have it. Why would you put yourself… So even the article said at the end if people, someone has a motive of still tryna hold onto intimacy or want those sexual desire when the person doesn’t and you still show up. That is actually not putting yourself in a position that’s going to make you flourish, right?
It’s actually gonna keep you there or it’s gonna cause more pain. And that would have been done. If anything that we did is we couldn’t redefine it, we couldn’t get to that stage, I couldn’t let go, I couldn’t bear seeing you with someone else, dah, dah, dah, dah, then we know, okay, something is going on, right?
I think about-
And that’s on me.
I think about parents who share children, right?
And I think inspired action in those cases, Kyle, often is actually, even though maybe your spouse, ’cause sometimes the spouse is being a dick, right? Man or woman, I’ve seen it go both ways.
I’ve had a lotta divorce in my family. I’ve seen a lotta stuff happen. Somebody actually just needs to take the high road all of the time. Right? I have worked with clients, Kyle, who have been in divorce proceedings for 15 years where one spouse is, and it’s like, I look at this and I’m like think about what that’s taking from your life. Cut your losses and move on. Go live the life you need to lead. That’s my value system, having grown up in a household with divorce and seeing what it does to my clients on the other side. It’s like, cut your losses. And it’s almost always around money. Sometimes it’s around kids, right? But somebody’s got to take the high road. Somebody’s gotta take the high road all of the time and be the hero. And, yes, it’s not fair. And, yes, sometimes it means giving in to something that is not the right thing for you. I think the question is actually check in with your own value system and say like how much time, ’cause if you’re in constant conflict over this, if you’re in constant conflict over this that’s taking away from you. It’s not giving to you. So you have to change the game for yourself, regardless of what the other person does, because you’re not ever in control of what they’re doing.
Bingo. And if you don’t, that’s how you stay in complication. Christopher, there’s two things. And I’m curious how you’re gonna answer the first one, which is when someone says, why me? Why do I always have to take the high way? Why do I always have to want to give in? Why am I the, right? Why me? That’s the first thing, so-
The only answer is because you are only in control of you.
So when you look in the mirror at the end of the day, what do you wanna know that you have done? What model do you want to show for yourself? Because the decisions you’re making today define your future self. So what decision do you need-
‘Cause it’s you.
to make today that is subordinate to who you want to be in the future?
It has to be, and thank you for saying that because if I, and I’ve said this to myself many moons ago. I think it was one of my teachers at the time said it. But I said if the price I pay, if the price I have to pay to be a good person, that means I will come up last, then I need to be okay with coming last. Because if I have to be first and sacrifice my integrity, who I am as a person, my values, all this other, it doesn’t make sense.
The second part of this was why, and I wanna just throw this in really quickly.
Yeah, what’s the question?
Not really a question, but more around the reason why these folks who are still fighting, still, it’s because they’re still connected, right? Good or bad, they’re still connected. If you and I are fighting over the kid, you and I are fighting, it’s still that connection they want, based off results, like it or not, you’re still… ‘Cause if you truly wanted to break that connection, you would say, oh, you know what, I need to do this. I need to let them go. I need to, you know? And I think that’s the challenge is they don’t realize they’re still connected. Even during a fight, even during a toxic situation, they’re still connected. So they need to be able to take inspired actions. And what exactly is that anyway?
Well, so this is the question, right? So I think the answer to your question is inspired action is actually about not waiting for perfection, not waiting for self-confidence, not waiting for anything but remaining imperfect as a human being and taking action anyway because you’re inspired to do so. So I actually have a question for our listeners. I have a question for our listeners. And the question is this, for any relationships where it’s complicated in your life, what is the inspired action that you need to take today in the next 24 hours? We want to hear from you. On the outro, you’re gonna hear about a few ways to get in touch with us.
We want to hear from you. Stay inspired and be imperfect. And in the next 24 hours, take action on one of your relationships where it’s complicated.
[Narrator] It’s our goal to build a global community of inspired action takers. And we can only do that with your help. So if you love “Inspired Action”, please leave a review on your favorite podcasting app and share us on your socials. You’ve heard from us. Now we want to hear from you. Go to inspiredactionpodcast.ca and tell us what is the inspired action you took this week. Next week on “Inspired Action for Imperfect Humans”.
I make assumptions that the reason why you’re asked is because of the color of your skin. And it’s an assumption.
It is an assumption, right? It’s like, well…